The session

Hey all,

Here is a short story that I wrote when I was bored. Read, be merry or whatever it is you do.

There are a lot of things that I hate....

People, music that repeats itself, stupidity, people, repetition, people, I REALLY HATE people, I don't even know why, they just get under my skin like a leach, I really enjoy hurting people, When I am sitting around and watch people destroy the world I become sad but when I cause even a small hint of pain to a human being it make me feel sooooo much better, is that normal? Can I be helped? I detest the human race with great intensity, in my eyes they do not deserve to live. When I was a kid I sometime thought that I really wasn't human, that I was something that mimicked the appearance of humans so that I would be able to fit in. Little did I know that it wouldn't be the way that I looked that made me different from them but the way I thought. Sometimes I felt like crying because I felt so alone in this god forsaken universe, and sometimes I would cry because it hurt so much not to be able to connect with anyone because my morals were so different. Tell me, is it really so damn wrong not to want to wear clothes that made you the object of someone's sexual interest??? I honestly could care less if someone is sexually attracted to me, I couldn't get over my disgust of what they are *curls lip in disgust*, human, now that I think on it I really don't mind being asexual, it makes no never mind to me. Sometimes I think so much that it makes my head hurt and I just want even for a minute for the pain to stop, but it doesn't. It seems that whenever I think of emotions or the thoughts that each emotion brings up my head begins to throb. pills have become nothing more than temporary relief of the pain that thinking about emotions brings. I begin to wonder if I continue to feel the way that I do when I think of things will I make myself sick? will I ever be able to be truly happy? I haven't been happy since I can remember *sighs*...I don't even remember my childhood so I couldn't honestly say if I have ever been happy. I don't have an addictive personality but I would one day like to feel what everyone else describes as happiness. It seems so rare and precious but I hope that one day I will be able to feel it if even for a second. Sometimes I wonder if the people around me, the people who supposedly 'care' for me even see that I am in pain emotionally but as I watch them go about their everyday lives I have to honestly doubt it. I pretend to be happy for them, so that they don't have to worry about me, but for once I want someone to be able to see past the facade and at least try to make the pain better. *chuckles* I doubt at this point in time if they could, but the gesture would be nice...a welcomed relief in a uncaring world. One can only hope that death isn't as cold and uncaring as the world that we live in, for if it is then where is the upside? there has to be a silver lining, right? a bright side to an otherwise grim living. As I sit at home alone in my thoughts I stare out at the rainy nights, I only look outside when it's raining, for if it were a clear night then the streets would be riddled with little human children, loud, disgusting, repulsive creatures that they are. They care little for the comfort of others, many a night I have laid awake in my bed because the shrill squeaks and squawks of those little *growls and tightens fists*...animals echo through my ears. *sighs in defeat and relaxes* why do I hold myself back? why do I not live out my dreams? did you know that I have been visited by the same dream every night for the past 10 years? my dream consists of my destroying everyone in my way and even hunting down those who attempt to run *chuckles* there is no escape from fate. *looks up* What? oh, they're fine. They have been unusually quite lately but I still hear them chatting about up there sometimes. Hm? Lou? well he has been sick lately he hasn't been around to comfort me....well he is the only one of them that I allow to get close to me. *shakes head slightly with a small smile* No, I don't trust them will my fragile emotions. They have been rarely used and besides, Lou is the oldest of them all and well he has been with me the longest so I have formed somewhat of an attachment to him. Have people seen me talk to myself? well of course they have, sometimes I just have to talk out loud ya know, to know someone is listening and responding in turn. I know that I enjoy my time away from people but sometimes the world gets lonely, I mean c'mon even morticians have dead people for company. Is that why everyone is there? well I don't know, I guess, Lou kinda made a life of his own and ran with it, but I have to say it does feel good to have someone to talk to. I mean I have no friends and honestly I don't think I know how to make them. I mean what are friends? could you honestly give me an answer to that...a non bullshit answer? I sometimes wonder if I have ever had friends before, I feel no kinship with anyone but Lou and I tend not to like anything that walks on two legs. I have been told by someone....huh? no, not Lou....anyway, I was told by someone to give people second chances but every time I do that I sorely regret it. From the people that I observe I have noticed even the people who come off cold and not wanting of affection and connection, they tend to have it. Someone I know said that they don't care if people don't talk to them but I would bet you that they wouldn't last 1 year in the life I have been given. Hm? what do I mean? well if you watched them like I do you would notice that everyone around me is either talking to people on the computer or on the phone but I'm not because I don't have anyone to talk to. I already told you, I don't have any friends....*sighs* people who I would have called friends end up not being friends at all. Huh? no, I wouldn't call myself emotionally unstable, for that you would have to have a clear grasp on what these emotions mean. I have no idea what it means to be happy, be in love, have friends....the only emotions I have had the privilege of know are hurt, anger, depression, and loneliness. You've noticed that I haven't cried although these confessions hurt? well, what would crying solve? tell me that. If I cried here because these are feeling that have been haunting me since I can remember what would it solve? would it no longer make me feel that way? would it give me someone who understands my pain or at least understands me?? No, it would solve nothing. Lou? no he isn't here, he said that I might want sometime to myself to get these feelings out in the open, well of course he is very knowledgeable about me, he has been with me for a very long time. He worries about me and I know he does....What? because he is the only one who does, he is the only one that everyone else will allow to get that close, he is the only one that I will allow to get close to me. Well, I have to go...there is a marathon of NCIS coming on and everyone would be upset if I missed it. Thanks for listening *smiles and walks away from the mirror*